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FILE UNDER: People I don’t trust.

Posted by admin in RANDOM
Lady Gaga calls her fans “The Little Monsters“. I call my fans “Mom & Dad“.

Posted by admin in RANDOM
I BELIEVE in aliens.
But, I do NOT BELIEVE in “alien probing”.
I think we’ve misinterpreted their way of saying “LET’S PARTY”.

Posted by admin in RANDOM
I am currently casting for a tv show about Burt Reynolds’ life on Telemundo.

FILE UNDER: Nailed the casting audition
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I like to tell them “I watch people do crosswords“.

Posted by admin in RANDOM
“OK… can you give me 245 minutes? I just need to hop in the shower, slip into my radiation suit, put on my boots, gloves, belt and helmet.”
– Darth Vader’s response to being invited to the movies by The Emperor

FILE UNDER: Call early
Posted by admin in RANDOM
I tell hot chicks I’m an agent for Carl’s Jr. television marketing.

A Tweet by @NickSpears
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I realized when Kanye started following me on twitter that I would be entertained. For example…

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It’s kinda awesome how every body part on a really fat lady feels like a boob.

FILE UNDER: Niiiiiice elbows.
Posted by admin in RANDOM
Street drummers are accountable for 87% of all missing home depot shopping buckets.

FILE UNDER: Fact I just made up, but is probably true.