"My Vagina Has Some Visible Wear-n-Tear, but You'd Still Hit It"
"Stretchmarkville"
"My Kids are Old Enough to Understand Mom is Boning Down"
Opening my brand new 2-pack of delicious Pop Tarts today I found myself baffled...
I am writing an actual hand written letter (like we used
to do in camp) preferably with a feathered ink well pen for dramatic
purposes. The letter will be directed and addressed to:
KELLOGG SALES CO.
Battle Creek, MI 49016
Dear Mr. Kellogg,
Let me start by saying that I am a HUGE fan and supporter of your
delicious Pop Tarts. Strawberry frosting are my PT of choice, so I
thank you for that. I am writing you today for some sort of closure I
guess regarding my PT experience this morning. You see, as I opened my
brand new package and poured what should have been 2 full size tarts,
what I found in my hand was not only frustrating, but actually kinda
creepy. One & one-half tarts. No crumbs or remnants of the 2nd
half. Just 1 tart and 1 perfectly broken half tart.
I need some answers. This has been bothering me all morning like a confusing X-Files episode.
1. Do robots or humans place the tarts into the packaging on the line?
2. If it is robots, are they sophisticated robots, meaning: Do they
feel the physical emotion of "hunger"? (please note that I am in no way
claiming one of your hungry robots broke off half of my tart and
swooped it in their robot mouth. I do not want to be liable for getting
any robots falsely accused or terminated in these tough economic times.)
3. Has this situation ever happened in the past? (If it has, does the
guilty party still work on the tart line? They may be someone you want
to discuss this matter with.)
Sorry for the long winded letter, but I am very upset with this matter
and would appreciate a package sent to my residence with 2 1/2 tarts
inside.
MUSCLE SPASMS & MONKEYS
I went snowboarding this weekend and the next day my legs hurt like
heck. My muscles were very tight and I actually had a muscle spasm
while sitting in the car. They are the worst. I remember having one
while I was paddling out to surf when I was a teenager. I started
freaking out in the water, trying to straighten my leg to make the pain
go away. Everyone surfing in the line-up thought I was being attacked
by a shark and freaked out. Anyways, I got off track... so after I had
the muscles spasm in the car, my friend enlightens me by telling me
that I need to eat more bananas. The potassium in the bananas helps
fight muscles tightening (hence... muscles spasms happen less
frequently). It got me thinking about how monkeys and gorillas must
never get muscle spasms. If I ever saw a gorilla in the zoo having a
muscle spasm, I would complain to the zoo to have the gorilla's trainer
fired for neglection.
INSTANT MESSENGERS
I was chatting with a girl on instant messenger the other day and I kept replying to her questions with “y”, which is what I use to say “yes” on IM (instant messenger). She misunderstood my “y”, thinking I was questioning all of her questions by using the letter “y” as an abbreviation for the word “why”. I then had to explain to her the strain of typing "es" after the “y”, as their positions on the keyboard couldn't be more inconvenient. Overall, the whole transaction took about 2 minutes… but, I am hoping it saves me time in future IM’s, thus making me break even on the whole situation.
PA-GINA
I first heard the word “vagina” when I was in 4th grade. When I went home and told my older brother, he told me it wasn’t called a “va-gina”, it was called a “pa-gina”. I proceeded to go to school the next day and tell all my friends during lunch they were dumb for thinking it was called a “vagina”. The lunch lady overheard me and told us that a lady’s private part is actually called a “hoo ha”. This later explained why Al Pacino’s character in ‘Scent of a Woman’ was always calling Chris O’Donnell a pussy.
PICKING UP CHICKS
THE DWARF
I saw a news story about dwarf in India whom has been dubbed the world’s “smallest bodybuilder” by Guinness. This guy is only 2’9” tall and weighs about 20lbs. When they asked what inspired him to start lifting weights, he replied, “Honestly, I just need to be stronger so I can protect myself from ogres… or what you people refer to as “toddlers”.”
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