Nick Spears is a really odd guy. Browse through some of Nick random thoughts, art, etc.
I dvr The Bachelor… but only to watch the final 5mins. I’m a sucker for bitter women with mascara running down their face.
Today, an old lady almost hit me. I ducked and uppercut her pelvis. She spat out her dentures. I kept them as a souvenir of our epic moment.
Nick Spears has many comedians that have influenced his craft, but family and friends played the biggest role in Nick’s style.
“My Grandpa Ken, my great aunt Joyce, my brother and my mother all had a great sense of humor. They still do. My father was the biggest influence in my humor. I was very fortunate to be surrounded by very funny people with all different types of style from a very early age.” – Nick Spears
You know you’re the cats pajamas when Google finishes your name in its search query box. Unless your famous because you murdered someone. Then it’s not so cool.
So, there’s a tv show with Courtney Cox called “Cougar Town”. Being a writer, I came up with a couple of other potential names for the show…
“My Vagina has some Wear-n-Tear… but You’d Still Hit It”
“My Kids are Old Enough to Understand Mom is Boning Down”
I went snowboarding this weekend and the next day my legs hurt like heck. My muscles were very tight and I actually had a muscle spasm while sitting in the car. They are the worst. I remember having one while I was paddling out to surf when I was a teenager. I started freaking out in the water, trying to straighten my leg to make the pain go away. Everyone surfing in the line-up thought I was being attacked by a shark and freaked out. Anyways, I got off track… so after I had the muscles spasm in the car, my friend enlightens me by telling me that I need to eat more bananas. The potassium in the bananas helps fight muscles tightening (hence… muscles spasms happen less frequently). It got me thinking… If I ever go to the zoo and witness a gorilla having a muscle spasm, I promise to hunt down the zoo trainer and beat him senseless.
I first heard the word “vagina” when I was in 4th grade. When I went home and told my older brother, he told me it wasn’t called a “va-gina”, it was called a “pa-gina”. I proceeded to go to school the next day and tell all my friends during lunch they were dumb for thinking it was called a “vagina”. The lunch lady overheard me and told us that a lady’s private part is actually called a “hoo ha”. This later explained why Al Pacino’s character in ‘Scent of a Woman’ was always calling Chris O’Donnell a pussy.
Opening my brand new 2-pack of delicious Pop Tarts today I found myself baffled…
I am writing an actual hand written letter (like we used to do in camp) preferably with a feathered ink well pen for dramatic purposes. The letter will be directed and addressed to:
KELLOGG SALES CO.
Battle Creek, MI 49016
Dear Mr. Kellogg,
Let me start by saying that I am a HUGE fan and supporter of your delicious Pop Tarts. Strawberry frosting are my PT of choice, so I thank you for that. I am writing you today for some sort of closure I guess regarding my PT experience this morning. You see, as I opened my brand new package and poured what should have been 2 full size tarts, what I found in my hand was not only frustrating, but actually kinda creepy. One & one-half tarts. No crumbs or remnants of the 2nd half. Just 1 tart and 1 perfectly broken half tart.
I need some answers. This has been bothering me all morning like a confusing X-Files episode.
1. Do robots or humans place the tarts into the packaging on the line?
2. If it is robots, are they sophisticated robots, meaning: Do they feel the physical emotion of “hunger”? (please note that I am in no way claiming one of your hungry robots broke off half of my tart and swooped it in their robot mouth. I do not want to be liable for getting any robots falsely accused or terminated in these tough economic times.)
3. Has this situation ever happened in the past? (If it has, does the guilty party still work on the tart line? They may be someone you want to discuss this matter with.)
Sorry for the long winded letter, but I am very upset with this matter and would appreciate a package sent to my residence with 2 1/2 tarts inside.