Balloon Sculpters

FILE UNDER: People I don’t trust.

Lady Gaga Fans

Lady Gaga calls her fans “The Little Monsters“. I call my fans “Mom & Dad“.

alien probing

Alien Probing

I BELIEVE in aliens.

But, I do NOT BELIEVE in “alien probing”.

I think we’ve misinterpreted their way of saying “LET’S PARTY”.

alien probing

Burt Reynolds

I am currently casting for a tv show about Burt Reynolds’ life on Telemundo.

FILE UNDER:  Nailed the casting audition


When people ask me about my hobbies, I like to tell them “I watch people do crosswords“.

darth vader on the phone

Darth Vader Gets Ready

“OK… can you give me 245 minutes? I just need to hop in the shower, slip into my radiation suit, put on my boots, gloves, belt and helmet.”

Darth Vader’s response to being invited to the movies by The Emperor

darth vader on the phone

FILE UNDER: Call early

Carl’s Jr

I tell hot chicks I’m an agent for Carl’s Jr. television marketing.

A Tweet by @NickSpears

kanye otis, kanye tweet

Kanye Tweets About Otis Video

I realized when Kanye started following me on twitter that I would be entertained. For example…

kanye otis, kanye tweet

Really Fat Ladies

It’s kinda awesome how every body part on a really fat lady feels like a boob.

FILE UNDER: Niiiiiice elbows.

Street Drummers

Street drummers are accountable for 87% of all missing home depot shopping buckets.

FILE UNDER:  Fact I just made up, but is probably true.